Why I Guard My Heart
So here is the back story of my first love that nearly destroyed me. It is a story I will never forget. This is a post from my private tumblr page that I decided I wanted to share on here. I have so many posts about this particular love, I am thinking of adding them all on here. It would take so many to really tell the whole story. Either way, I hope you enjoy it. It's very close to my heart.
I remember sitting in the hallway, against those red lockers, staring at the boy sitting across my way. He’s funny, good looking, nice, and has a great smile. I didn’t even know him then and I thought he was perfect. But, I was the girl who was insecure about her looks, her weight, and everything overall. There was no chance that a guy like that, or any guy for that matter, would ever go for a girl like me.
So, I thought, maybe if I could be friends with him, I’d have a better chance. I sat next to him in class, tried to come to school early so that I would have a chance to be with just him, I tried everything. And finally, by some miracle, I thought we’d actually be pretty great friends. And we were.
I knew he would never ask me to prom. And when I found out he wasn’t even going, I knew I had a chance. So, I asked him. By that time, I was already in love with him, and I thought he had no idea. That night was heart wrenching. It would be the start of the most confusing kind of love that I would ever feel. After prom, we sat in his car, talking about anything and everything. Except our feelings. He had planned to spend the night on a beach in the North Shore, and I at my friend's house. I wanted so badly for him to not go and stay. But, he didn’t. And at the end of the night, in his car, he kissed me on the cheek. Twice. And after he left, I cried to Keilyn, tears of confusion running down my cheeks.
I remember the exact night that I told him that I cared about him. I remember getting jealous because he had hung out with this girl I didn't like. On snapchat, I remember telling him how upset I was. Then, I remember coming home and sitting in the living room, and I texted him my feelings. And he told me “let’s just be friends”.
I remember seeing him during finals, giving a ghost of a smile. I was so embarrassed. I knew that it could have never worked out. The voice in my head repeated itself over and over. “A guy like that would never go for a girl like you.” And I believed it, finally. I was just thankful it was now Summer and I wouldn’t have to face him and my embarrassment for much longer.
Trying to be friends with him was so hard. I dug the deepest hole I could and I shoved my feelings inside of it. And I started to build my wall up, brick by brick. I reminded myself each day that he didn’t like me back, move on. And each day, it got a little bit easier.
I think I went into shock the night that he told me he liked me because I can’t seem to remember the details. I just remember it ended badly and he told me that we couldn’t talk anymore and I should delete his number from my phone. I ran into my mom’s room and cried. I remember feeling my heart physically hurt, with my walls shattered.
The next day, I called him, cried on the phone, and he told me he was going to come over. Eyes puffy, I remember sitting at my kitchen bar stools, talking about what we were going to do next. I know I told him we had to be just friends. My heart just couldn’t take anything else. When he left, he took a picture of us, with my puffy eyes, no makeup. I still remember that months after that, he still had that picture.
That summer, I built my wall up as fast as I could. Heck, I did wall after wall after wall. I was scared. I had never had someone ever tell me that they liked me. I had never felt that type of pain before. So when he asked to hang out, I always came up with some excuse. I just wasn’t ready. I wish he understood that.
I can’t even remember the argument that lead to us not talking for the last month or weeks or summer. I think I told him that I needed space. I needed time. I was insecure and afraid, and I was too terrified to tell him that. So I shut him out, and sat within my walls.
Senior year came around, and facing him was hard. We both put on a brave face. It was so awkward. Then that Friday, it was my birthday. He gave me flowers and a balloon. And just like that, he had found his way through my walls, steps in front of my heart. I remember being on the phone with him that night. That was the night that he told me that he loved me. And I told him I loved him too. I remember saying it, and then he told me that he had to call me back. His voice was cracking. I knew at that moment, we had just broken each others hearts. Because I knew that it was too late. We would never be able to find a solid ground. Too much had happened, too much complications.
Love is supposed to be simple. Happy. Like you’re floating on a cloud. But this love wasn’t. It was painful and deep and complicated. It was misunderstood. It pulled on insecurities and doubts. It wasn’t supposed to be my first love. It seems like I’ll never be able to fully recover from it. And the girl who listens to the voice inside her head screaming “he will never love you, he would never go for a girl like you” agrees and listens every day since then. Because that pain should never be felt. It never fully goes away. It comes back to haunt you. Memories are painful.
I want to find love so badly. I know that I’m still really young, but I truly believe that when you are in love, you are living life to the fullest potential. I don’t think I’ve experienced true love, my love has been at times when the other doesn’t feel the same or it was too complicated. Even though I desperately want to find love, I’m terrified of it. I’m so scared because it’s so fragile. I haven’t felt truly happy or that feeling when you’re in love in a really long time. When I look back, I remember all the heartache and sad times. I think that I really found and re-grounded myself. There’s a few things that I’m so certain of: My drive to be successful & my want to be loved and to love. I really hope when I do find that person that I want to share more with, I will be capable of showing them all of my love.
I hope one day I can love the way that you love me - The Vow