Ups and Downs
I’d like to believe that everything happens for a reason. Without pain, how would we know what joy feels like? How would we know we’re our happiest, without knowing what it means to be down? Without these extremes, we would be in a constant state of “blah”.
Recently, I felt like my life was starting to turn around and I was going to be really happy. I had been talking to this guy for about 3 years now, but I never felt like I wanted to be anything more than just friends. However, when catching up with an old friend, he suggested to just give the guy a chance. I take the advice from my friends to heart, so I decided why not give it a shot.
I was pretty shocked the first time he asked me if I wanted to “Netflix & chill”. My first reaction was to think that this boy was too immature. I mean I hadn’t been with a guy since my senior year of high school, but I wasn’t going to be that type of girl again.
Side note: I want to write a post about what I mean by “again”, but it takes me to a pretty dark place and I don’t know if I’m ready to bring it all back. I know I will one day want to share my story because I think it’s important. With a little patience, I think I’ll grow strong enough.
Anyways, back to the story. When he asked me to “Netflix & chill”, I just blew it off and replied “oh maybe next time”. I thought we were going somewhere though. I talked to him basically every day and it seemed like we were on the same page. When I got ready to go to a dinner or something, he would tell me I look nice & pretty. Small things like that made my heart happy. It had been so long since I felt like someone liked me, it gave me a little bit more self-esteem. It felt good, I finally felt happy again. At an event at the republik, I danced with him, held hands, and felt like that was the night that would change everything. A few days later, he even took me to go get acai at one of my favorite places. We were headed in the right direction, or so I thought. We had even made plans to go to dinner and maybe watch the fireworks. But, that day, he said that he couldn’t anymore and was going to dinner with his friend. At my grandma’s house that night, I decided to just scroll through his Instagram feed. I clicked on pictures he was tagged in, and I saw a picture of him hugging this girl from June. The caption made it seem like they were dating. I asked him the next day if he was seeing that girl, and he responded “yeah, we’re official now.” For lack of words, I was shook.
At first, I was upset. I had the “fuck boys” mentality, but after that faded, I was more hurt than anything. I couldn’t believe that he thought I was that “type of girl”. The type to be okay with fooling around and be down for whatever. It really got me thinking about my values and if I came off as that type of person. I didn’t want to be that type of person again, I really thought I had become a better person, but obviously that wasn’t the case. My friend thought I was always too nice to him, and by blaming myself and not him, she’s probably true.
That whole experience really took a toll on my self-esteem, something that I already struggled with. When all of this was happening, my friends were there for me. They offered me comfort and encouragement. It was more than enough to pick myself back up. I’m so grateful for friends like these. They are the ones that make me the happiest, more than any boy could do. So yeah, I went through something that made me sad, but it also gave me the opportunity to feel loved. I gave my love and received it. At the end of the day that’s all we want to do, right?
just once: let your heart speak over your mind and treat your soul to the love it deserves