My Mind vs my Heart
Welcome back to my thoughts, it’s been a while. It is currently 11:42pm on a cold Thursday night and my mind just can’t seem to settle. So I decided to write it down. Do you believe in fresh starts? Do you believe that people can change? Those two questions have been circling my brain for the past few weeks. My mind says no but I can’t help but want to explore the possibility of yes. Let’s take a look, shall we.
A clean slate. I wish such a thing existed. I wish there was a way to permanently delete everything painful that has ever happened to me, especially when it comes from someone I still care about. Painful things that I do to myself, I can get over. But dang, sometimes when someone has hurt you, you carry that pain for a long time and nothing seems to get rid of it. I believe in second chances, heck maybe even third or fourth, it really depends on the situation. Recently, someone hurt me, bad, and it is all that I can think about. The entire friendship is covered in this dark haze of pain. Every time I look back on things, it makes me almost sick to my stomach. Good times are corrupted by lies and manipulation. The feeling of being used stings to the core. And yet, there is still a part of me that is unwilling to give up this person. There is just something I cannot let go of. Call it hope, maybe, but I have too many “what if’s”. What if we are able to let the past be the past and start fresh? Are we bound to make the same mistakes or fall back into old patterns? I almost feel more insecure now that I have knowledge of what things used to be like versus how I am treated now. Maybe things can’t ever go back to the way they were. Is that a good thing, probably yes, but it doesn’t make it any easier. It’s hard for me to not compare. Some days I really think about how much this person really cared about me and asked about my day, and now I get left on read and there seems to be little to no interest in my life. Is that the type of friendship that I want, of course not, but definitely the friendship that we used to have was not it either. So what do I do? My mind is telling me to let him go. My heart believes there is still a chance that we can make it through and that I have to try.
I believe that people have the capacity to change, but fundamentally they are who they are. People who want to change aspects about themselves have to work day-in and day-out on it and I know most people don’t like carrying that responsibility, and I understand, it can get very tiring. Self-reflection is not for the weak. And some days, we slip up. I know I am definitely guilty of that. I believe that I will forever be a work in progress and that I’ll make mistakes and that I am not perfect. Heck, I know that for a fact. Frankly, I do not believe M will change. I think he wants to, but he won’t. I used to carry the weight of holding him responsible, but honestly, it was a catalyst for the downfall of our friendship. That weight must be carried by oneself and I just don’t believe he wants to, really. I love being the friend to keep you in check, but I think it should only be that way if you want to be kept in check in the first place. Why should I help you when you don’t want to help yourself? It’s like taking down someone on a sinking ship. And me being me, I just can’t seem to let go. I do not want to see my friends drown. One of the hardest lessons I’m trying to teach myself is losing that mentality of if you jump, i’ll jump. I know, i know, it’s stupid, but I would never let a friend go down alone. If we both fall, at least we’ll have each other to help get back up. But no, it can’t be like that. At some point, I have to become an adult and learn that I cannot lean on my friends for everything and I have to grow on my own. It’s my life and I am the one writing my chapters. It absolutely sucks and it’s hard to find a middle ground. Even though I want to always be the friend that people come to, I have to understand that not everyone shares that same sentiment.
I like using the metaphor of my life being a book. I am the author and I am the one in control of the story. There are many times that I want to get the opinions of others on my life, but I have to remind myself that they can offer notes in the margins, but the words I believe in are permanent, at least for that chapter. How am I supposed to write a chapter when there are so many people giving their opinions on how I should write it.
I do not keep secrets from my friends, I feel like my body physically cannot do it. However, with this, I feel almost like I have to explore it on my own. It is a terrible idea and inside it feels bad. I feel like I’m going rouge. The opinions of my friends are just too polarizing for me at this very moment and I know I am easily swayed. I am taking a huge risk and I know the consequences could damage a lot of my friendships, but it is a risk I’m willing to take. I just have to keep reminding myself that I just need to be taking steps forward, they don’t have to be big steps, but just in the right direction.