Self Love
Today, one of my best friends asked my friend group advice on how to deal with a situation. Of course, we were like "okay whats up?" She replied saying that she has been watching this girl in one of her classes calorie count. However, what caught her eye was that the girl was logging barely anything. Things like half piece of gum and a few pieces of lettuce. She said that the girl started crying in class and then left. My friend went to the bathroom and heard a girl throwing up, but never responded when asked if she was okay. My friend was pretty spooked about the whole ordeal and was seeking advice on what to do. We told her that maybe she should try telling her teacher or try and find her on facebook then reach out to one of her friends. The whole story has been on my mind all day because I, too, have struggled with my body.
Growing up, I had a lot of self esteem issues that stemmed from thinking that I was fat. I struggle with it on a daily basis, but I think I have gotten a lot better since when I was in high school. Kids in lower school can be so cruel and it definitely shaped how I thought of myself. I can remember an instance in P.E. where one of the boy classmates told me why I was wearing a two piece bikini. I was so ashamed that I wore one piece swimsuits all the way to ninth grade. I hated going to the beach with my friends because I was insecure and was always worried that people would criticize my body. When I started Cheerleading in 9th grade, I started to build up my confidence. Being so active really helped me lose a lot of my weight. Even though everyone complimented me on "looking so much better", the insecurity still lingered. I was still bigger than my friends, which in my mind were like twigs.
I think I was the skinniest during my junior and senior year of high school. However, I still had issues about thinking my body was a lot of the reasons why boys didn't find me attractive. Your mind can be a terrible place to stay within when thoughts like that are constant. My insecurities became really bad when I started going out with my 2nd ex. He was pretty horrible, not going to lie, but the one thing he had was a super nice body. To this day, it still confuses me how he even liked me. When I would go out to eat with him, I would barely touch my food. Even though I was in top shape from Cheerleading, I still felt really fat next to him. It also affected us when we were more intimate. I didn't fully trust him and always felt super uncomfortable during those times. It was really hard to "be in the moment" when you're lost in your thoughts.
I can definitely say that I gained weight in college. A decent amount of it too. A lot of it came from not having practice 6 times a week, but also just being unhappy and eating out a lot. Of course I want to lose weight, I think losing weight is always on my mind, but it has been a lot more difficult in college. School is more demanding and living on your own drains you even more. There are times where I want to go to the gym but I need to cook dinner or I have assignments to do, or I'm just too tired from school. Eating healthy is also a struggle, especially when you are too lazy to cook or cook something healthy. Making unhealthy meals are usually faster and easier.
I can try say that I love my body, but in all honesty I don't think I ever fully did. It has always caused me to feel less of myself. It is a constant battle to tell myself that I don't need to be the "ideal girl: the pretty skinny girl that all the boys love." I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, but it's difficult. I love going to the beach with my friends, but I always have that hesitation to take off my clothing on top of my bikini. I trust my friends and I know they don't judge or would make fun of me, but the fear will always be there. I don't like taking full body pictures of myself at the beach unless it's further away and I always try to hide my stomach because I just feel ugly in the picture. It's been something I have been working on for my whole life. For now, I know I have to start working out more to make myself feel better, but just getting that momentum going is difficult. But, I'm going to give up.
You have to love yourself before you can love others